"I HATE YOU !"
That was my thought process before I started Halal Harmony. I know it sounds harsh, but after going to event after event, and constantly feeling rejected, that resentment grew stronger.
Every time I walked out of another gathering, it felt like another layer of hurt.
I used to tell myself, "If I just lose 30 pounds, the next man could never fumble me." No matter how cold, no matter how unattractive I thought I was with his eyes closed, it wouldn’t matter. The next man wouldn’t dare let me go, because I’d be the woman of every man’s dreams.
So I dieted. I worked out. I changed my appearance. Sure enough, I started turning heads. The same men who had once dismissed me because I was fat, ugly, and BLACK suddenly acted like they’d never met me before. These were the men I had met prior or matched with on dating apps. They now noticed me only because I’d become "better looking" in their eyes. But the resentment kept bubbling deep down. My face hadn't changed, I hadn’t changed who I was internally—I was just physically worth giving a chance now.
I remember thinking, "I need to be healthy, but on my terms." So I shifted my focus. I became obsessed with learning new cultures. I learned new languages, cooked traditional foods, and immersed myself in ways to make myself more "desirable" to someone.....Everyone.
But none of it worked. I could meet families, converse a little of their language, and fit into their culture the best I could, but no one wanted to be the one to marry "a BLACK girl" in the family. So I gave up dating outside my race. I crawled into a dark place, looking for anything to numb the pain. The deeper I went, the more I hated myself.
Then, in the middle of my despair, I started praying. I woke up for tahajjud, weeping, and begging Allah for help. And in the same month, I lost my best friend, my significant other, and lost my job. Everything was crumbling, and yet, I kept praying, convinced I was being punished in this Dunya so that I could stand clean before my Creator in the Akhirah. But the struggle only got harder.
I fell behind on rent. The weight I had worked so hard to lose crept back on. And the temptation to fall back into old sins weighed on me every day. That’s when I remembered what Allah says:
ٱلَّذِينَ إِذَآ أَصَٰبَتۡهُم مُّصِيبَةٞ قَالُوٓاْ إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّآ إِلَيۡهِ رَٰجِعُونَ
I had spent so long trying to fix myself for this Dunya, not realizing that the only one who could heal my internal pain was Allah (SWT). I was living to please everyone else except the One who created me. I wasn't doing anything to add value to my time on this Earth. Least of all I was struggling to be happy with myself let alone, trying to please my creator. I had to change this.
Suddenly, the setbacks I thought were breaking me apart were actually building something better, Subhanallah. Allah was making space for a future spouse who would value my prayers and Deen. He removed friendships that led me toward haram and gave me the strength to take legal action when my boss violated my human rights.
I realized my anger towards Muslim men wasn’t entirely their fault. Yes, some had made me feel small, ugly, and unwanted, but much of my frustration came from a deeper hurt. I had been trying to find value in spaces that didn’t value me. I left so many events with nothing—no partner, no meaningful friendships, and no sense of belonging.
So, I did the unthinkable.
I created Halal Harmony Canada—a space where the focus is on adding to your life. With Islamic giveaways and reminders for Salah. Food to keep you motivated for our fun activities like our Murder mystery and scavengers hunts. Prize giveaways, so if you don't find your partner you at least get that $50 UberEats gift card you know you need.
If interested we're always having events coming up, and we look forward to hosting social events soon.
If you need to build that Muslim roster of friends, for that planned Umrah trip you had on your bucket list, since ever. Visit HalalHarmonyCanada.com and start building meaningful connections today, Inshallah.
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