Is marriage written for you?

As the resident single friend in the friend group, you’ve probably heard time and time again, “You’ll meet someone when it’s the right time.”Well damn — when is the right time supposed to be? My 40s, 50s, or 60s? Asking your friends who lucked out on love by either dating their partner long before dating apps were a dumpster fire, or who were patient enough to mold their partner into the person they would never be able to find today. You know that term — building a man for another woman.

Although both may have worked out for your friend, the same doesn’t always apply to you. You might be a unique case.

The thought has probably crossed your mind that maybe being single forever is your test in this world. Or that you’re so weak to the touch of flesh that being single is a blessing in disguise — because all the hard work you put into your deen takes just one wrong… or right person to make you crumble down. Maybe your lust is so out of control that you fear it would impact your marriage. Getting married and falling out of love, or losing attraction to your partner… this wasn’t in Careers 101 — “how to not cheat or keep your emotions in check.” It’s something you learn, sometimes the hard way.

Or maybe you spent your whole life maturing faster than you needed to because your circumstances had you in constant fight-or-flight mode. Spending years of your childhood raising or taking care of absent, abusive, or emotionally immature parents. Maybe you’re single because this is your season of rest. You spent so much of your time rebuilding your self-worth and happiness that becoming a parent might take you backwards — or worse, retrace your parents’ footsteps. The thought of putting a child through what you went through, even unintentionally, has you shaking where you stand.

Whatever the case is as to why you’re single, if you’ve landed here, I’m sure introspection has haunted you every lonely weekend you spent going to meetups or singles events, watching a new movie alone in a theatre, or putting up that Reddit post in hopes of ever-lasting love sliding into your requested inbox.

After self-awareness and the need to fix your life slaps you in the face. Then comes the real work… the divine intervention.

Congratulations — you’ve stepped into your higher self. This self is the thought process of knowing you’re single not because you are the problem, but because you are going where your love life’s trajectory is meant to take you. Whether that is positive or negative is up to you.

To reach this mental state, you need to be in a sort of purgatory limbo — being genuinely content with being single. And to be in that state, there can’t be trauma serving as a crutch for emotional volatility. You cannot be holding others accountable for the trauma you faced, or resentment towards the opposing gender. Lastly, not actively try to improve your low self-esteem or lack of self-love. If you fall into any of these categories, you must circle back to introspection, where most people struggle. Perfect what lacks in you, because we attract what we lack and crave to be, instead of putting in the work to become that person. In the same way you deserve the best, your future partner deserves the best version of you, so become that.

If you do fall in the above categories here is where your problem lies in your dating approach — your lack or inability to understand, low or poor self-esteem, and inability to be self-aware. Get some perspective or help, change your mindset, and circle back to this when you’re ready.

Once you’re truly content with being single, the love you’re able to give and receive is similar to the glass theory. When two people love and show up for each other from a place of reciprocity and loyalty, the glass stays full because both individuals are pouring into it. When the glass overflows from the amount of love both people put in, another cup is used to catch the overflow — and that’s when the couple knows it’s time for the next step in the relationship: marriage, moving in, children, etc.

Remember — you must love yourself to keep filling the glass. When you don’t, you will try to fill a glass with an empty cup. Another person adds to your happiness. They don’t fix it. A relationship can only flourish if respect, positive communication and reciprocity are the foundation — not just in romantic relationships, but that’s the one we put the most weight on, especially in the Muslim community.

That’s cool… but what if your person isn’t written for you? If Allah (S.W.T) showed you the book, and where your spouse was supposed to be written, and it remained blank.

How would that make you feel?

Would it throw you into a fit of rage? Would it sink you into depression because you feel you deserve it more than anyone? Or would it make you relieved, because your life is perfect the way it is and adding someone else could complicate it.

I implore you to understand this. Our creator is benevolent and merciful. We are not all promised companionship. If we are granted one, it is a blessing — not a right. But being stuck in “Why not me? I deserve to be happy!” means you have forgotten what this life actually is.

My friend, you must re-evaluate your tether to the Dunya. Nothing in this life — wealth, health, or family — is owed to you. Nor is it guaranteed. We live on borrowed time.

For some, your test in this life is zina. There is no shame in identifying if this is where you fall. We were created with desire — this is what makes the dunya a test. If your inability to find a partner is connected to missteps here, then re-evaluating your dating habits is crucial. But if Allah’s plan is to keep you single to help you refrain from this, then let it be so.

Maybe your test is resilience.

We are promised that we will be reunited with our spouses in the afterlife, and granted the ability to ask for those we love that we didn’t meet in Jannah. To think our Creator will even build the ideal spouse for you in the next world… how merciful is that?

This world is temporary — a blink of an eye compared to the fruits of obedience. To be kept away from zina and from the wrong relationship may not be a punishment… it might be your chance to prove that sabr is something you can embody.

You might still be granted your person in this life — nothing is off the table. Nothing is guaranteed. The only things in your control are your perspective and your salah. Stay firm in them.

With that, I wish you the best on this journey of finding love. Do not give up — God does not value laziness. It is not in the believer’s nature to be lazy. Continue striving to be the best you can be. Continue putting yourself out there and making amazing connections you never expected. Meet people organically, and use your wisdom and intuition to weed out the right suitors. But never lose sight of the goal — Jannah.

Do not falter even when you feel alone.

May this sliver of light brighten your eyes, soothe your sorrow, and give you faith in what is coming.